Today is one of those days, where the apartment looks like a before picture from one of those hoarder shows. I have no idea how we got here seeing that we tidied up in the weekend, and now it’s Monday. I have to keep recounting the amount of kids we have, because in my mind there is no way two adults and one baby can make such a mess in such a short time. Welcome to parenthood I guess.
Despite the mess I have no intention of tidying up right now. I kind of want to (not as in “yay-that-sounds-like-so-much-fun, but more as in “I’ll-go-crazy-if-I-have-to-step-on-another-block-again”-kind of way), but I won’t. I have promised myself to wait until tomorrow. Why? Because Eva is ill today.
She has a fewer and needs me to be with her at all times when she’s awake. I could clear out some of the mess right now when she’s taking a nap, but she’s sleeping inside for a change and I don’t want to risk waking her up. Not today.
Letting go of the mess
Sounds easy, right? Well, it’s not. At least not for me. I don’t see myself as a neat freak (and I don’t think anyone would ever describe me like that). I don’t mind a small mess. It’s part of life – especially now with a child. But the mess today has still bugged me most of the morning. Partly because I’d decided to tidy up today before I went to bed yesterday, and partly because of the size of the mess.
But right now, sitting in the living room with my laptop and with Eva sleeping in her pram in the kitchen I feel okay that everything’s messy. I’ll fold the laundry in the chair tomorrow and put the half empty cups of coffee in the dishwasher tonight when Benjamin is home. I’ll ignore the crumbs on the floor, the empty roll of tissue on the table and all the other small messes around the apartment, that together make up the chaos that is our apartment right now.
It took me a conscious effort to let it go and to accept that this was just the way it was going to be today (well, almost let it go. I’m still human). Several times during the morning I found myself getting a bit frustrated for not being able to move the plate from my breakfast into the dishwasher, without having to pick Eva up as well. Without realizing it, the mess bugged me so much, that I suddenly found myself starring at it instead of just being with Eva in the moment. That’s when I decided that I just had to let it go. Not forever (that would be something), but just for today. I actually said it aloud. Both to Eva and to myself. I needed to hear it and I needed to tell her, so she could hold me up on it (Yes, I know she’s a baby, but still).
I have to admit it felt weird to say: “I’m not going to tidy up today and that’s okay. Right now it’s more important to focus on you and not the mess”. But it sort of worked. I still feel a bit guilty for not filling those boxes on the table with it’s content and putting them back into the closet, but I just keep reminding myself that it can wait. And of course it can. I know having a clean and somewhat tidy home is important, but giving Eva all of my attention,when she needs it, is urgent and cannot wait.